Things are feeling turbulent this morning, and most mornings these days ("Please don't confront me with my failures / I have not forgotten them..."). Worried about my EP, feeling impatient about when it's going to be finished and whether I'm doing things properly and how to promote it. Worried about other artistic commitments and making sure I finish everything and do a good job. Worried about money and where it's going to come from over the next several months. Worried about not being there for my sister's pregnancy, wanting to be present for the birth of these twins she's having, that she's wanted for so long. Wanting desperately to move forward on all of my artistic fronts, feeling grateful for my progress but scared, determined but overwhelmed, joyous but often embarrassingly on the edge of tears. Oy vey is the refrain (which makes me think of my beautiful late grandmother, the actress, who always wished she had lived out her dreams and talents more fully).
In these emotionally fraught times, I am so grateful for Rupaul's delightful podcast that he hosts with Michelle Visage. It was there that I was introduced to Saturn Returns, an astrological concept that I have leaned on as various aspects of my life have become uncertain and unpredictable. Saturn Returns is the idea that in our later 20s, we experience a major shift in understanding about ourselves that can be deeply unsettling and chaotic. Apparently its effects can even go on into our early 30s, so I better get used to this ride. It is supposedly a time where our true paths become clearer and we experience awakenings about who we are meant to be. Although I'm only a casual fan of astrology and don't have a very deep understanding about Saturn Returns beyond what Rupaul taught me, learning about it has somehow given me a sense of calm amidst my uncertainty about what the hell I'm doing. When the unpredictability of my current life path starts feeling too crazy for comfort, I tell myself, "It's okay! It's supposed to be like that because of Saturn Returns!" Somehow explaining this insanity with an outside astrological force has helped me to embrace it and create a degree of separation from it instead of falling too deeply into a worry spiral. I'm surfing instead of getting pulled down by the undertow. I chuckle to myself, "Dang, that Saturn Returns is really getting me today."
Even though it's sometimes uncomfortable and scary, I am living a life closer to what 12-year-old Jenni would be proud of, and it continues to get closer each day. Acting in a TV pilot. Making music both for my solo release and for an upcoming Shakespeare stage production. Surrounding myself with like-minded folks who are also pursuing their creative goals. The turbulence is just a part of it. Thank you, Saturn Returns.